Deep breaths!
Apr 08, 2015
Lea Turner
to me
If I know you, I know you're losing your absolute shit right now. So I'm here to remind you that this isn't all that bad! Okay, are you ready?
1) New cell phone! Everyone likes new things.
2) You get to spend time in a hotel! Think of the spa, the mini bar, that rain shower you like so much. It's like a vacation.
3) When you feel comfortable going back to the house, just take your Dad with you. The man literally made his career out of slamming people into the ground.
4) I found three properties in NYC that I think you're gonna love. I figure we'll go out to see them in a couple weeks after Coachella, before you leave for BATB filming.
5) I bet your house will make a killing on the market now. I mean, even moreso than it was going to before.
6) If nothing else, be soothed by the fact that I saw at least 50 dicks today while wiping your phone. Big ones, little ones, dicks that climb on rocks.
I know this is a stressful time for you what with the Brennan thing and your PR having multiple aneurysms but we've been through worse- remember when you told Harvey Weinstein to eat shit? Don't do anything stupid. Don't make me elaborate on what I mean by "don't do anything stupid," because I know you know what I mean. This, too, shall pass. It wouldn't be Hollywood if someone wasn't trying to throw their dicks at you.